The Onion bought Infowars

If this isn't a bright light in the fog, I know neither lights nor fog

Yes, yes, this sounds like an article from The Onion, but the owner of the satirical news outlet has successfully outbid other parties in a private auction, and now owns Infowars, Alex Jones’ former hateful blowtorch.

The CEO sees this as a perfect fit. From Bryce P. Tetraeder, the pretend head of Global Tetrahedron:

…InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.

No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.

Make no mistake: This is a coup for our company and a well-deserved victory for multinational elites the world over.

He signed the missive: “Infinite Growth Forever.”

The idea for the purchase was first floated on the social media site Bluesky. I’m a new member and this makes me so proud. The following is from their satirical press release and it’s golden:

So Global Tetrahedron now owns, according to The Washington Post, Infowars’ website, archive, mailing list and production equipment — and the desk behind which Alex Jones used to filmed pitch ‘roid rages for profit. Thank you, Baby Jesus, for this huge and awesome belly laugh. Humor and satire are powerful weapons. Sometimes, the most powerful member of the royal court is the jester.

May those powers be wielded accordingly.

Oh, and one more thing: Hello from Connecticut, Alex. We look forward to the next iteration of your bloviating blast of bad gas. And we look forward to your oily little tears over that iteration.