Man or bear

Depends on the man. And the bear, I guess.

A fascinating internet discussion bubbled up a few weeks ago around the question, asked of women:

Would you rather be alone in the woods with a man or a bear?

The question appeared to have started on TikTok but it quickly spread, and overwhelmingly, women chose the bear.

This didn’t seem like a pack of man-haters. Women said they chose the bear because, in general, bears don’t attack people unless bears are being interrupted or impeded in their progress. The same could not be said of men, whose violence appears ever-imminent, like a bad tornado poised to strike fast and strike hard.

Here is where I state categorically that I have encountered scant few heinous men, but I did know one who was so bad that when he died, most of his fellows had already moved through active hate all the way to nothing. When he died, we nothinged him.

But that has never been the majority of men. Not even close.

Then, too, most of us women have only ever seen bears from a distance, so scientifically speaking, most of us have had far more exposure to men than to bears, which allows us to witness more behaviors — good and bad — from men. In my world, bears have lumbered off at a distance. I paid far more attention to them than they did to me. The same goes with moose and a bobcat, once. We cool? We’re cool.

At a party this week, someone was discussing how women become invisible at a certain age. Maybe, but I don’t think I agree with the premise. I am no more invisible than the stack of books at my feet. If no one notices, well, who cares? Besides, I really kind of only need one person to notice and so far, so good. He does.

And — not for nothing, she said, blowing the dust off her feminist decoder ring — the day I define myself by whether Man has paid attention to me is the day I walk into the woods and do not return.

But I said nothing because it was an interesting discussion, and one of my better friends turned to me and said quietly she didn’t mind invisibility. It was preferable to the leering attention she’s gotten her whole life. This is a beautiful woman who has had more than her share of unwanted male attention, not all of which she has known how to manage. She wasn’t bragging. I understood that invisibility was preferable to being on guard, but how sad is that?

The broader issue, of course, is a much-needed discussion about violence and power, and why women fear men. It only takes one bad encounter with a bear to change your attitude about walks in the forest. It only takes one bad encounter with a man to change your attitude about the world in general.

But that’s a longer Substack.

And thanks, Mike, for the meme.