I hereby announce my campaign

My platform will be easy to remember

Last night, Politico published a story about a leaked draft opinion that said the Supreme Court is preparing to overturn Roe v. Wade, the landmark decision that has protected a woman’s right to a safe abortion for half a century.

Maybe we’ll all wake up tomorrow (today, to you) and find that Politico was wrong, or misled, or something. Meanwhile, states have whittled away at that right, and the Court’s draft, written by Samuel Alito, takes a broad swipe at marriage equality, as well. From the opinion:

So my campaign will pretty much be limited to forcing men to have vasectomies, and charging them with murder if they masturbate. Every sperm should be sacred. And if men are caught stepping outside the law, I’ll pay a substantial bounty to any one who rats them out. If that’s good enough for Texas, it’s good enough for me.

And y’all gays? Get married. Invite me to the wedding and we’ll dance all night.

Vote for me.