He's coming home soon
And I haven't ironed my apron
If we are, in fact, going back to 1952, I need to readjust…well…everything I thought about womanhood, marriage, and my role in same.
(Above is an artist’s rendering of the new me. I got a dye job because my man deserves a young, dewy-fresh wife.)
The following was culled not from historical artifacts, but from Christian websites that appear to tell women to sit down, shut up, and smile — kind of what the Supreme Court did recently when they overturned Roe v. Wade. As a newly-minted back-to-the-past wife, I shall:
Have dinner ready when he gets home. That I get home after him some nights will be problematic, but I believe God will provide. I know! I shall buy a crock pot!
Assuming I get home first, I shall take 15 minutes to freshen up. I will also start wearing makeup. I will wear it in the morning. I will wear it in the evening. I will wear it to bed. As Tammy Faye Bakker Messner once said, why would I want to look like crap for the man who means the most to me?
I shall not nag, which is a word I have to get accustomed to using because I think it means “talk.”
I shall meet his “needs in the bedroom,” which I suppose means now we’ll have to talk about kissing and stuff which will be weird because we’ve been married a very long time.
I shall agree with his politics, and vote for whomever he votes for. (That my husband falls even to the left of me should be cause for concern for the rest of you, but I want to be a good wife, so…) Better yet, I will not concern myself with politics because my realm should not extend outside the scope of my home and my yard and perhaps the corner market and local dress shop.
I shall learn how to make those ring gelatinous molds with carrots and kiwis and roofing nails encased inside. Along with my crock pot, I shall buy one of those gelatinous mold pans. (I threw that one in because TV moms were always serving those and they look cool.)
I’m sure I’m forgetting something foundational, and you should feel free to add to the list below:
This makes me think of something I may have shared on “Dating Jesus” but I rely on everyone’s shaky memory (including my own) so I can repeat my self.
My parents raised me to know all the aspects of running a household. Throughout my childhood they taught me about the systems in the house, plumbing, electric, simple carpentry, etc. Not to be expert at any of them but so I could recognize problems, fix them if I could or call a professional if I couldn’t. They also made sure I knew how to keep the house clean. Take care of my clothes. Shop and cook. Fairly early I could replace a button, darn a sock, do the laundry including ironing, make my own lunch. When I was old enough they taught me how to responsibly look after younger kids. Whenever I’d complain about any of it they would always tell me the same thing. “We want you to be able to take care of yourself. When you start to think about getting married, we want you to look for a wife and not a mommy”. It worked. I see other couples struggle with rigid and frequently lopsided expectations of one another regarding roles in the household. I realize that being taught to understand what it took to take care of the whole house helped me understand what it takes to take care of the whole home.
Once in a while you have greet him at the door wearing nothing but Saran wrap. I'm sure I read that somewhere