Hellion Mother took the bus to Phoenix

Or so I assume

On their first visit to Granny’s, the twins did their best imitations of frogs on their backs.

The grandtwins turned 13 yesterday, and we got together after their day at camp. They opened gifts, and we went out to eat and generally enjoyed each other’s company.

The celebrations continue through Sunday and I hope you have some fireworks handy.

As a mother, my heart was definitely in the right place, but I spent the first 10 years after both sons reached adulthood kicking myself for my failures, most of which sprang from a lack of patience rooted in anger.

That is not a great combination for mothering, and if I was overly-everything, my behavior was based on a sense of protection birthed by my own after-school-special-of-a-childhood. Definitely, heart in the right place, and definitely, there’s a better way to move a child through childhood.

Grandmothering is not that. I realized things would be different the day the boy-child said a dirty word at age 3. He didn’t know what he was saying and rather than see the word as the first step on a life in which I would be at the prison to see him every visitor’s day, I laughed and explained why we won’t use that word until we learn how to use it responsibly. I could also explain why I laughed (I was surprised) so this anxious-to-please little boy wouldn’t take that for encouragement for more foul language.

He went back to playing and I sat there a little shocked at myself. Where was Hellion Mother, the one who brought down the wrath of God and all His angels? Had she died? Taken a powder? Gone dormant to reappear at the worst possible moment?

I came to believe that she moved to Phoenix, a hellscape of a beautiful place I’ve visited once and want to see again. And I don’t think she’s coming back, because I have a million stories like the cursing one, where one of the grandchildren did or said something out of bounds, and my reaction was calm — loving, even.

Now, I realize that a child will test limits (if they’re healthy) and the older people in their lives are there to point out the boundaries, not scare them from the edge. I did a lot of scaring (scarring?) as a mother and if I was simply repeating what I’d learned from my other mother, well, I have learned a different approach to religion and politics, so I can certainly learn a different approach to important relationships. Life is change and change is growth and all that.

The grandtwins have weathered so much — death, divorce, and random, everyday difficulties — and they’ve done so with a unique mix of grace and humor. I am happy to know them, and happy to explore the boundaries with them. Should Hellion Mother reappear, she will have her weapons aimed outward.